I'm Fred. World class swimmer.

Yo dudes! I'm Fred. World class swimmer. I never lose. Hey! Don't look at me like I'm a conceited egocentric. I'm not. Just fictional. Fictional people can do whatever they want. Correction: whatever their author wants. And like the Police, I can't stand losing. So I wont. In fact, I want have any conflicts. I'll just go on with my bragadacio detailations of my omnipotence. Pretty awesome, heh?

Yeah, you're right. Pretty boring. But heck, I love being pompous! I made a 1600 on my SAT. Got accepted to Harvard. (turned 'em down. Swim team reaked.) Also drive a black BMW.

Launch the ego to the stratosphere! Actually, I only made a 1550. Still smarting over the verbal I missed. An analogy. Budha is to bhudism as ______ is to world. I answered Fred. They counted it wrong. They need to be enlightened.

And my car - a only Jag.

For any of you eulogizing critics, I give my greatest apologies. You see, originally my author wanted to tell about my childhood. Sure, I had an interesting childhood. But, heck, who am I to live in the past. I love the present, the future. Cowabunga!

Actually, maybe a little back history is in order.

As a kid I was your typical, average prodigy. When I was born, my dad was working on his bachelors degree. By the time I was two, he was off to graduate school. He seemed to be working on his schoolwork continously, so, one night, I decided to ask him about it. He gave my a comprehensive lecture on the structure of the endocrine system, and the many hormones involved. He left out gonadotropic stimulating hormone. I corrected him. Life was never the same.

I begged my dad to let me go to class with him. It was fun. The professor was a numbskull. He could barely speak English, and his Latin was worse. But the textbook was good. I helped my dad with his homework. He blew the curve for everyone. Even the Indians complained!

My parents saw public school life was not for me. But Herb was going to public school.

Herb was my best friend. We happened to meet in the nuclear physics section of the library.

"Yo dude!"

"Me Fred. Who you?"

"Me Herb."

"Comprende Ingles?"

"Si, comprendo Ingles."

"Then why the heck are we talking in Spanish."

"And why'd are salutations begin with direlectic impotencies?"

"Yeah, why did they?"

Direlectic impotencies. Man, I thought Herb was so smart when he used those big words. It wasn't until later when I realized he had no idea what he was talking about. You see, his dad worked for the college board. He wrote questions for the SAT, and never had a nack for talking in normal English. As a little kid, Herb talked like a dictionary. Rattling off big words, totally incongruous. It wasn't until he was four when he was saved. He discovered cartoons. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Bill and Ted. Finally he learned real English. But, he still loved to amaze friends with the big words.

"Eh, Herb?"

"yeah, dude."

"What are you doing in the nuclear physics section of the library?"

"Why are you here?"

"I asked you first!"


"So, you need to tell me first."

"Why should I tell if you don't? Remember the golden rule."

He had a good point there. "OK. I was just wandering down to the comic book section."

"Liar! There are no comic books!"

"Well, I meant the..." He had me.

"Admit it. You're just another one of those stupid child prodigy's, just trying to learn more and more and more, so you can make all adults look serrendipitious."

"Uh uh!" I yelled.

"uh huh." Herb said peacefully. It was all the more annoying.



"I am not!

"Yes you are."

"Well, if I am, then you are, too!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs.

"Yep." Herb never raised his voice.

"Well, if we both are, why am I screaming at you!"

"You're just a triskadeckaphobe."

"Am not!"

"You don't even know what one is."

"Do too!"

"Alright, tell me."

"You first."

"So you don't know?"

"No! I do know! It's, err, yeah, ehh. Alright, I don't know."

"A triskadeckaphobe is someone who's afraid of getting hit by 13 tricycles while he's talking on the phone."

"So I'm not one!"

"That's just symbiotic! You know, like the parabolas in the Bible. They say one thing but mean another."


"Yeah. What it REALLY means is 'someone who is afraid of being caught alone in the nuclear physics section of the library.'"

"So I am one?"

"You sure seem venehement about it."

Herb was always good at making me feel like a total idiot. If it wasn't for him, I would never have become the humble guy that I am now. Herb also had trillions of friends. He was always over at someone else's house. He was also two years older than me.



"You seem like a real cool dude. Maybe you can come over some day."

"Cool mo dee! How about tomorrow at 10?"

"Sorry, dude. I have school."

"I've been to school before. A dude starts talking in Japanese-English, and you getta make fun of all the oofs he makes."

"Yeah, but this is even better. I go to 1st grade. There, we have some lady, a total idiot, who doesn't know squat about what she's talking about, and repeats things over and over. Then, after you laugh a bunch, she sends you down to this big fat guy. If you come at just the right time, you can sneak on their computer, and hack your brain off."


That sounded like great fun. I couldn't wait to go to school. My dad wasn't too happy with my enthusiasm towards public schools, but he decided to let me go anyway. But, as a condition, I had to start with 7th grade. I didn't mind. Aren't higher grades better?

The day finally came when I went to sign up for seventh grade. The counselor was a perfect example of Dr. Peter's perfection. Almost a perfect triangle.

"So, Fred, you are just starting school today?" She had a look of amazement.

"Yeah. My dad didn't want me to, but I ensisted."

"Do you know if you have any records?"

"Well, not many. I prefer CDs. But, I do have a few old Beatle's ones. They're worth a ton of dough."

"I mean school records."

"School? Never heard of that group? Are they a new post-modern group from Athens? Ya know, Athens is the home to alota great music. 'specially R.E.M."

She uttered a breath of disgust, "I see we're getting nowhere. Ok, since you don't have any records, I'll attempt to place you in the proper classes. Probably remidial."

"Just don't put me in Trigonometry. That was soooooo boring. Sine and Cosine do not deserve a class of their own. Calculus was a lot better."

She was shocked, "Y-y-you've taken Calculus?"

"Yeah. It was real easy, but it was fun. I hated Stats almost as much as Trig. But Linear Algebra was cool."

"Well, it looks like we don't have a math class for you. How about English?"

"Ic'n speak it."

"Have you read any literature?"

"You mean like Shakespeare? I hated him. He had some of the stupidest puns! Most of those old dudes were doofs. Hardly anything was funny. I like Douglas Adams a lot better."

"Hmm. Well, I guess GT English will be appropriate. Science?"

"I hate biology. On second thought, I like it. Nuclear physics is cool. Especially atom-bashing. Hey, did you know that both Einstein and Hawkins have made some of the same grave mistakes. You see, the universe isn't the big blob..."

"We can talk about that later. Have you had any musical or athletic experience."

I started singing: "It's the end of the world as we know it. - It all started with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an airplane, Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricaine..."

"What was that?"

"R.E.M. Glad ya cut me off there. I've never figured out what the rest of the lyrics are."

"OK. Choir. That's only two classes." Then she started to mumble half to herself, "what else can I put you in?"

I started to look out the window. "Cool! You have a swimming pool here! Excellent!"

"Swimming. Great idea. And while we're at it, soccer. Coach Jordan wont mind."

"Were you talking to me?"

"No, not really. I have you down for English, choir, soccer, and swimming. You still need four more classes. How about foreign languages?"

"They're all Greek to me. Ha ha. What a bad pun. o'course it was Shakespeare that came up with it. He comes up with all the bad ones."

"Great. How about Latin, German, French, and Spanish."

"Yo comprendo espanol mucho."

"Alright. Japanese instead of Spanish? Whew! Now your schedule's complete. Here you go. Go down to Mrs. McFarlin, and she will give you your locker, and help you to find your classes."

The first day was just orientation. I couldn't wait until school finally started. Needless to say, my experience the first day was quite interesting. Thank goodness I was a shy dude back then. I only got sent to the principals office once - for talking back to a teacher. (She asked a question. Doesn't she expect us to talk back to answer her?)

I soon realized that I was the youngest person there. I four year old in the realm of pueberty-stricken, young teenagers. Luckily, I was very large for my age, so I didn't feel too out of place. Still, I was one of the shortest guys in the school.

I couldn't stand the academic classes. The teachers treated you like total idiots. It seemed like we spoke a different language. But I loved my athletic classes:

"Fred, huh? Do you have any experience swimming?"

"We went to California last summer. It was most triumphant! They have amazing waves. I love surfing!-"

"Swimming. Not surfing. Have you any experience in competitive swimming."

"Sorry. Not really."

"Good. I hate the swimmers who think they know it all. They are impossible to teach. Let's see you jump into the pool and show us what you've got."

"OK!" Boing. In I go. Falam. stroke. swoosh. flop. hu uh hu uh...

"Unbelievable. Fully clothed and with one of the sloppiest strokes I have ever seen, you still made it across the pool in one the fastest times I have ever seen!"

I knew I had forgot something when I jumped into the pool. It took me a while to finally catch my breath after swimming the pool without a breath. It took me about two months before I finally learned how to breathe correctly.

Thanks to swimming, I actually looked forward to coming to school every day. It was the first class I had. If it wasn't for it, I probably wouldn't even come to school until lunch time. (My first class after lunch was real cool. Mr. Von Punkte made it a point to let everyone progress at their own rate, and didn't hold them back like the other teachers did. He also had some great video games and music that he'd play.)

I also made a bunch of cool friends there, like George. He was one of the coolest guys I had ever known. He was actually pretty smart, too. Also, George was the one guy that could swim faster than me.

However, there was one curious thing about George. For some reason, he would do anything for this girl.

"George, why are you always acting like a total fool when she's around."

"Because she is one of the finest babes around."

"Yeah. ok. Sure she is somewhat asthetically appealing but-"

"You'll understand some day. Some day."

"Look. Here she comes. Why doncha try actin' normal?"

"'k. Hi."

"Well, hi George."