The Purple Cow from Mars:
A Screenplay

scene - A large field occupied by hundreds of grazing cows. One cow is pink, and is talking into a hoof communicator. (Pan the field paying no special attention to the pink cow.)

cut to - a seventeen year-old's bedroom (with computer on a desk in the corner, stereo system next to bed, and clothes spewed all over the floor). Jeremy is on the bed, changing the tape in his stereo. He has a book in one hand, and is jumbling tapes in the other. Next to the bed are some books an magazines he is reading (Candide, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Fortune, US News and World Report, Stereo Review, a calculus book, and others). He finishes changing the tape, lays down, and starts reading Hamlet. Music by Rush starts playing on the stereo.

Jeremy: (sets down the book) Man, this Shakespeare dude just recycle's the same plot over and over again. How'd he ever get popular? (throws the book across the room, starts reciting poetry:)
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan,
a stately pleasure dome decree,
where Alph the sacred river ran...

(suddenly breaks the flow of the poem:) I wonder if there's a colon there? (pulls out a buck of poetry from bookshelf, starts thumbing through it looking for "Kubla Khan"; thumbs past many different poets' poems.) Look at all these bunk poets. Why do teachers love them? (contemplating) Well, I guess it's better that they don't massacre the TRUE masters - Coleridge, Eliot, Peart- (stops on a page with Ogden Nash poetry - close up of book) Ah! Forgot about you. Real talent. (forgets his original intent of picking up the book; gracefully drops book in 'Candide' pile; after a brief pause, he darts out of bed, and glances out the window) Why does it rain every time I want to play tennis?

(light flashes, smoke appears, and a purple cow appears in the room)

Cow: (dusting himself off) I need to get that thing fixed.

Jeremy: Coolness! A purple cow is actually appearing in MY bedroom!

Cow: (looking down at something) Let's see - the intro. Ah, you know this - (looks up at Jeremy) you were the only one willing to believe in us (looks down) blah. blah. blah. Does this ever get to the point? Ah, here. (assumes rhetorical stance and clears his throat) The two great ones, Bill and Ted, have sent me to seek the third great one-

Jeremy: me?

Cow: (sarcastically:) No... (starts looking down) Now, where was I? (rhetorically:) You, are the only one who has proved himself-

Jeremy: Proved myself?

Cow: yeah, proved yourself - resisted the three C's - Cars, Cokes, and Chocolates. (pseudo-angrily:) You made me lose my place again! (thinks he finds his place) It is hoped that you will accept this call to save the world.

Jeremy: Sure! I accept. Excellent! (Bill & Ted-style air guitar) I'll get started right away.

Cow: Thank you for accepting. The people of Mars greatly appreciate your help. Adios! (a big flash of light and smoke; the cow disappears, smoke and some light remains, as the cow's voice comes through) Whoops! I left out this whole page. Oh well, he should be able to figure it out himself.

(closing music starts, Jeremy turns on his computer, and the scene fades. "To Be Continued" appears)