Modern Cigarette Promotion

By Jeremy Hubble
The Battalion

For years,cigarette TV commercials have been prohibited.

No problem. Smoking is booming. The tobacco companies have found even better ways to promote their products.

On campus, campaign is going full force. An army is almost continuously working so as not to deprive us of our right to second hand smoke. A self-proclaimed tobacco lobbyist is positioned immediately outside a building door. He calculates an ideal locatio n to stand smoking, thus forcing all passers-by to catch a breath of nicotine. Even when gone, he makes sure to drop a newly lit cigarette in to the ash tray.

After all smokers are forced to fight their nicotine addiction while inside. It would only be fair that others to hold-in their desire for fresh air.

And we need not forget the wonderful odor. With the popularity of smoking, It's surprising that Virginia Slims and Calvin Klein haven't teemed up to make a new perfume. It'd make for a great advertising campaign: Addiction: the fragrance you're already h oked on.

In fact maybe it would be better to allow the tobacco giants back on the airwaves. They could do some direct advertising:

"Hey kids! Life's short. Your parents are old jerks. You want to rebel. You want to take risks. You don't want to become a geezer. Thinking all's lost? There is a solution. Smoking is the number one way to rebel. It's bad. It's nasty. It's even illeg al. It'll keep you from becoming an old foggy. In fact if you smoke enough, you'll end you're life early, before you even have to worry about grand kids. Start now! Cigarettes are available everywhere. Have a smoke. But don't tell your parents."

But why bother? They already have hundreds of spokesmen out in the music industry. Smoking is rapidly increasing in the high school crowd. It's becoming hard to find a non-smoker in the high-school crowd.

This is great for Phillip Morris. An average smoker spends over $500 a year in cigarettes. The younger they start smoking, the more they pay over their lifetime.

Unfortunately, the the negative health aspects still have to be faced. Nobody wants to shave a few 7 minutes off their life.

They could start a campaign for cigarettes with a kick:

"Are you sick of having to wait years for lung cancer to build up? Do you find your self spending thousands of dollars on cigarettes, without any major decreases in your health? Are you still waiting to get a bang out of your cigarettes? Well wait no more. Try the new unfiltered Camel kicks. Loaded beyond the legal limit of gun-powder, guaranteed to give you more bang for the buck."

In a more economically sound move, R. J. Reynolds could go in to the funeral home business:

"Death, embalming and burial: all in one in this amazing package deal. Call 1-800-TOBACCO now to take advantage of this special offer. Remember, the sooner you start, the sooner you can have your genuine Marlboro coffin."